quarta-feira, setembro 26, 2007

Eles são amadores!

Terminou ontem a participação da selecção portuguesa no mundial de rugby, com mais uma prestigiante derrota que a todos enche de orgulho e desta vez frente à Roménia que, como se sabe, é constituída por jogadores profissionais! É que - e isto não tem sido muito divulgado - os nossos são amadores!

Eu confesso que, antes desta fantástica prestação da nossa selecção - eles são amadores, porra - sempre tinha achado o rugby um desporto para queques abrutalhados, sem os mínimos para trabalhar no negócio da família e que, já fartos de andar de iate e de aparecer nas festas do jet set, ainda não podiam jogar golfe, por não terem os 90 anos de idade exigidos por esse exigente desporto.

Para mim, pobre ignorante, o rugby não era mais do que um valente "tens a bola na mão, levas com o Afonso, o Tomás, o Santiago e todos os primos deles em cima, que é para aprenderes! Chutas a bola e lá vai o Afonso, o Tomás, o Santiago e todos os primos deles a correr atrás dela como imbecis e a cair em cima - literalmente cair em cima - de quem a apanhar"!

E as formações?

Alguma vez sonhaste conhecer de perto os glúteos de aço do primo Martim, ao mesmo tempo que dás a conhecer os teus ao teu amigo Zé Maria, que sempre duvidou da rijeza deles e os queria sentir no balneário? Joga rugby e terás oportunidade de senti-los, cheirá-los e até mordê-los, se estiveres para aí virado... e o teu amigo Zé Maria também! Alguma vez tiveste a fantasia de sentir as protuberâncias genitais do tio Sottomaior enfiarem-se na tua orelha, enquanto sufocas com a cabeça mergulhada numa poça de lama, debaixo de 500 quilos de masculinidade enlouquecida, numa qualquer quinta, na zona de Cascais? Joga rugby e terás oportunidade de concretizar esta e outras fantasias semelhantes! Ah, e ainda podes dizer a toda a gente que isto não é o festim homo-erótico descarado que parece, mas sim uma forma de desenvolver a coragem, o espírito de equipa e passar o tempo até teres idade para jogar golfe.

E como eu nunca senti necessidade de conhecer de perto os glúteos de nenhum familiar, nem tenho particular gosto por ser esmagado sob várias toneladas de armários a esguichar testosterona no estado gasoso por todos os poros, é fácil perceber porque nunca gostei do rugby.
Logo eu, que até acho que a lama só presta para cobrir aquelas profissionais que lutam corajosamente em biquíni - esse sim, um espectáculo desportivo que vale a pena ver - e a quem o imaginário homo-erótico de Cascais nunca chamou a atenção.

Por isso a minha atitude para com este resquício moderno de algum ritual primitivo parvo era um saudável desprezo. Um pouco como a minha atitude para com a tourada.

Isto até ao campeonato do mundo! Porque desde o campeonato do mundo que não faço outra coisa senão sonhar com a bandeira e trautear baixinho o hino mas com garra, quando vou à casa de banho no emprego. E até já ando a tentar ouvir fado! O rugby enche-me de orgulho e insuflou-me de fervor patriótico, como se fosse um balão meteorológico cheio de fervor patriótico em vez de hélio! Eles são amadores, mas isso não os impede de cantar o hino aos berros e a chorar, antes de mais uma derrota histórica, nem de perder os jogos todos com um sorriso nos lábios, como se os tivessem ganhado!

E apesar de trabalharem e terem profissões comuns, como qualquer um de nós (há gestores de empresas, dirigentes de associações de caridade, assessores de ministros, sócios de firmas de advogados, etc) e, por isso, não poderem treinar todos os dias (excepto nos últimos 4 meses, em que estiveram a preparar-se para o mundial), isso não impediu os nossos lobos de contarem nas suas fileiras com o jogador mais pesado da competição! Inchem, badochas neozelandeses! Queriam ter lá um destes, não era? E também tiveram um jogador com uma lesão na mão, como se fosse um profissional! Tomem! É um beto amador, mas aleija-se tanto como os profissionais! E, pasme-se, um deles até espetou uma cotovelada na tromba de um escocês que, é preciso dizê-lo, era profissional, mas isso não lhe serviu de grande coisa contra o nosso lobão (que por acaso é um amador argentino que a gente recrutou e agora é luso-argentino)! E até foi suspenso e tudo, como se fosse um jogador a sério! Querias, ó escocês!

Dá-me vontade de uivar de orgulho, ou de cantar o hino nacional, mas daquela forma esquisita, à lobo, como se tivesse a pila entalada no fecho das calças e a única forma de desentalar fosse cantar o hino bem alto!

Não me entendam mal: eu ainda acho que o rugby é um desporto parvo, em que o talento se mede ao quilo e ao segundo que se demora a fazer os 100m, praticado por gente que não só não tem mais nada para fazer, como tem um severo recalcamento homossexual gravado bem fundo no cérebro.

Mas agora, depois deste mundial, é um desporto parvo, onde os nossos são amadores e vão lá dar cotoveladas na tromba dos profissionais. Onde perdem os jogos todos, mas ficam todos contentes na mesma! Onde cada cantadela de hino é um esforço titânico para desentalar a pila do fecho das calças! E isto enche um gajo de orgulho, pá! É algo onde os nossos são medíocres, mas têm orgulho nisso... e só por isso já merecem o meu respeito e admiração, porque estes lobos são uma imagem perfeita do que nós somos como país! Medíocres and proud of it! É isto a alma lusitana! É isto o fado!

E digo mais: os toureiros que se tornem amadores, deixem perceber de tourada e metam um fecho naquelas calças apaneleiradas onde possam entalar a pila como lobos, que eu passo a ir vê-los levar cornadas no lombo ao Campo Pequeno, embrulhado numa bandeira nacional e com um busto da Amália tatuado na testa!

40 Comments:

Anonymous Martins o Homem iPhone said...

grande escritor... querias era levar um entalão dos primos uva!

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Blogger Hugo said...

Este post fez-me pensar um bocado no esforço de cada um.
O feito do apuramento dos lobos é o mesmo que tu, que fazes jogging nas madrugadas dos dias de semana, te apurares para os jogos olimpicos na China.
Ficavas em último, atrasavas as transmissões televisivas todas, muito provavelmente, além de mim, ninguém apostava na tua vitória, mas podias chegar à meta e pensar que deste o máximo.
Eu pessoalmente gosto de ver atletas esforçados. Gosto de ver os corredores que chegam á meta em último e caem cansados para o lado, como também gosto de ver os ciclistas que sobem os pirineus e demoram mais 2 horas que o primeiro.
Não me parece que seja mediocre. Diria Esforçado e orgulhoso do esforço. Por isso comemorei com alegria o ensaio dos lobos contra a nova zelandia, mesmo sabendo que já perdiam por 50.
Por isso já sabes, na proxima maratona de Lisboa, se acordar a horas, vou lá estar a aplaudir-te com a mesma intensidade que o fiz aos lobos. Porque vocês merecem... :)

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Blogger Ana Magana said...

Está lindo!!!
Um regresso em grande deste blog cheio de teias de aranha!
Assino tudinho por baixo!

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Anonymous carla said...

Muhahahahah
Bem-vindo, finalmenteeeeeeeee!

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Blogger Melissa said...

Tá mal, pá.
Eu chorei durante o tal hino.

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Blogger Spirale said...

Está giro. Muito giro. Tu até escreves umas coisas. Não concordo completamente contigo, mas também não discordo.
O peso conta. A capacidade de sprint também. Mas existe um espacinho para a agilidade, jogo de equipa, estratégia, etc. O jogo de rugby quando jogado por uma Nova Zelândia ou pelas equipas do Torneio das 5 (agora 6 ou 7) nações, é empolgante e giro de se ver.
Ao contrário do futebol amaricado dos americanos, que tem os seus momentos, mas que está demasiado fragmentado para o meu gosto, por motivos de compromissos publicitários (e em que os tipos estão blindados e ainda assim se aleijam), ou até mesmo do futebol, em que há muitos jogos de 90 min. que são um enfado do caraças e que os jogadores fazem fitas tremendas porque levaram um toquezinho de nada.
No rugby já vi gajos a apanharem orelhas, dentes... errr... pernas? do relvado, e continuarem a jogar com um sorriso e um esgar ensanguentado. Queque ou não, é nobre (e estúpido!?), mas bonito de se ver.
Ao contrário das touradas, aqui os animais que comem no toutiço, somos nós. E como quem corre por gosto não cansa... Está tudo bem.
Depois, o facto de serem queques de Cascais, é uma coisa muito nossa. Nos outros países, os gajos não são necessariamente queques de Biarritz ou coisa do género. São grunhos, que grunhem, mas estão longe de serem Cascalenses.
Os media é que decidiram dar um twist extra e exagerado ao esforço meritório dos nossos lobos. Mas parece-me que isso também foi mais para achincalhar os nossos meninos da selecção de futebol, que por vezes não dão metade do litro pela pátria.
Estes deram o que deram (ao menos dão o litro a cantar o hino), e para primeira vez, foi o que foi. Para a próxima terão de dar ainda mais.
O comentário do Hugo, é brilhante! Fez-me sorrir de orelha a orelha... Também queres que vá incentivar-te na tua prova de "lobito"? :-)

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In the 131 years that have passed only 11 horses have managed to accomplish what is arguably the most difficult feat in sports. Compared to the Triple Crown, no-hitters in baseball are an everyday occurrence; back to back championships in other sporting events, a dime a dozen; there have been more solar eclipses in our lifetime than Triple Crown winners and each year more people are struck by lightening than the total number of Triple Crown winners in history.

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